Another Spider Story & a New Car

You guys, the spiders, they find me. The smell my fear, and they seek me out and now they are infiltrating my home and preparing themselves for war. I'm serious, they're even building fortresses on our front porch and our balcony. They are literally creating little web cocoons to hide in. And they aren't small spiders either. I can't leave my house without scanning all the surroundings and feeling immense amounts of anxiety. Two days ago, I killed two in my house in one day. And one of them was a flying spider... not kidding! It literally flew out of the way when I tried to squash it. These spiders are well trained and prepared for battle.

But even all of that is nothing compared to what happened to me about two weeks ago.

One Thursday morning, I left my apartment on my way to work with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye. It was a good morning. When I got to my car in our car port, I noticed a huge freaking wasp on the window behind the driver's side door. Wasps are another bug that I don't like to deal with. So I calmly decided to walk around to the passenger side door and put my bags on the front seat, thinking that when I shut the door, it would cause the wasp to fly away. Well, that plan didn't work. This wasp wasn't going anywhere. That's cool, I thought. I'll just get in on the passenger side and he'll get blown off when I start driving. So I calmly climbed over my center console and into my seat and started to back out of the car port.

The next thing I know, I see a spider start crawling down my windshield. Luckily, it was on the outside. So... I waited. And when the spider got down far enough, SWISH! I wipered that sucker to death. Sayonara. (That's Japanese for "goodbye.")

Feeling pretty good about myself, I started my drive to work, keeping one eye on the road and one eye on my mirror, watching to see when the wasp would get whisked away by the wind. But would you believe it? That wasp was HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE. He would not be whisked! Finally, when I hit Lehi, the wind was blowing pretty hard so his little legs gave up and he let go.

Victory! I thought.

Then when I got to work, I walked around to the passenger side of my car to get my bags out, and when I started to open the door, I noticed that a dense web had formed, attaching the door to the body of the car. Ew! When I opened the door all the way, ripping the web in half (thinking, how did this happen? I JUST opened this door 15 minutes ago and got in on this side!) This spider was spinning like crazy while I was driving 75 mph! And then I got really grossed out thinking about where the spider might have been lurking when I was entering that door... sick!

And then I saw the spider. You guys, this spider wasn't small. It was brown, and leggy, and angry because I just destroyed its new home. (Why, why was it building its home on my car?!) I was so grossed out that I took a picture whilst I was dry-heaving.

I was too afraid to get close enough for a clear picture.

Disgusting side view.

For a minute, I thought I was going to be brave and kill this thing myself. There was NO WAY I was leaving it there, in my car. So I rummaged and found a water bottle. And I got close a few times, but I just couldn't do it. I was too disgusted. So I left everything in my car and ran up to the 3rd floor, grabbed the first guy I saw and asked him to come kill it for me. This guy was trying to be all macho by making fun of me, and he grabbed this tiny piece of paper to kill the spider... I was like, uh... you might want something bigger than that, just sayin. But he didn't listen.

So he came to my car and I backed away slowly whilst he used his small paper to, not smush the spider, but swipe at it, trying to swipe to the ground. As you can probably imagine, this backfired since these spiders are well trained in combat. The spider simply ran down the side of the door and then escaped into a crack... into the INSIDE OF MY CAR DOOR. Where we couldn't get to it.

And that's when I decided that I was absolutely selling my car. That night. I'd been wanting to for several years. Welp, no time like the spider-ridden present. Okay, I'm kidding. Devon and I had decided to sell the car the night before. This merely solidified the mind that was already made up. But, back to my story...

At this point, I'm angry. "Person!" I yelled (leaving names out for identity protection), "I asked you to kill it, not coax it into my car where it can now build a home and start a family!" He just shrugged and went upstairs while I started writing down my last will and testament. This was sheer panic mode. How was I supposed to get home that night? I couldn't just drive my car with a huge spider living inside it! What if it re-emerged whilst I was on the freeway? I would for sure wreck - and I just couldn't put myself and other innocents on the road in that kind of danger. For the rest of the day I periodically checked my car to see if the spider would re-emerge. It didn't. When it finally came time to leave, all I could do was man up and hope that the severe heat and my black car had singed the spider to death. I was brave and drove straight to the high pressure car wash and hoped to goodness that the spider didn't survive that if he had, in fact, survived the heat. And that night, I listed my car on KSL.

Two days later, it sold. I may or may not have left out the spider part when the guy asked me, "Tell me all the bad things about the car." I hope I don't go to hell for that.

Rolli (that's my car) served me well for the last 9 years.

The first time I laid eyes on him, I named him Rolli Polli, because, well... he looks like one.

 I will miss his great gas mileage. But that's pretty much all I will miss. (Well, that and no car payment). Because now, I have a beautiful 2010 Honda Civic LSX and it has wonderful advanced technology perks like power windows, power mirrors, keyless entry, an auxiliary cable so I can listen to my iPod, comfortable seats, 4 doors, and best of all? NO SPIDERS.

Trust me, I checked.

Proud owner.

A Spider Story for the Books

If I weren't already working with 4 different blogs, I'd start a new one to capture all of my ridiculous and intimate spider, et al. experiences. That would probably be a pitifully hilarious blog.

Two weeks ago I was at one of my favorite Utahn Mexican Restaurants (decent Mexican is difficult to come by here) with 12 of my coworkers for lunch. I was sitting at the middle of a long string of tables, and toward the end of my meal, I was chatting away when all of a sudden I felt (and saw out of the corner of my eye) something fall through my hair. I kind of brushed at it a little bit and thought, huh, what was that? And the coworker sitting across from me asked, "Did something just fall out of your hair?" I replied with an, "I think so..." and then I looked down at my chest and there it was.

A decently sized, black, hairy spider - perched on the top of my right boob!

Words cannot adequately describe my horror. I immediately let out the shrillest, girly-est scream of. my. life. and subsequently jumped to my feet as the spider began running all over me. Unfortunately, when you're amongst male coworkers and you have a spider on your boob and then running down towards your crotchal area, you quickly realize that you're S.O.L. as far as help goes. (As my dapper, male African American coworker that was sitting next to me put it, "Did you see where it was? Sorry, but I ain't riskin nonna that!")

So, as I'm freaking out in front of a PACKED full of people restaurant, I realize that I'm going to have to take care of this myself, and since this all happened in less than 30 seconds, I didn't have time to find a napkin or something to take care of gracefully. Mortified that I'm going to have to touch this spider in some way with my hands, I just start slapping and swiping away (again, in my crotchal region - I'm sure that looked fantastic) until the thing fell to the floor and I stamped it into oblivion like a mad crazed lunatic.

Then, I paused for a second to compose myself - and briefly glanced around the room at the people staring out me with shock and confusion, and silently slid back into my chair. I think I started laughing at that point because I knew how hilarious that all must have looked and then a new, male coworker of mine said, "Hey, if that spider had fallen on me, my reaction would have been exactly the same."

And then I felt validated somehow.

Some of my coworkers said they'd never go to that restaurant again. I'm still debating, just because I REALLY like the food. AND they have one of the best Cokes I've had in Utah. But, I still need some time to get over the resulting twitch I developed.

The funny thing was, I didn't feel a tinge of embarrassment at my behavior/reaction. There was a spider ON ME! You can't judge me for that.

Really I'm just glad the spider didn't crawl down my shirt (it was a close call). I would have hated to have to strip in front of all those people.

One More Gem I Couldn't Delete:

Spiders. (From 11-11-2010)
I realized this morning that they are pretty much running my life.

Don't believe me? Well, let me walk you through what a normal day for Raechel is:

Wake up in the morning, head to the shower. First, check shower (and ceiling) for spiders. Yes, I've had a few bad experiences with spiders and showering - one of which, if I remember correctly, involved a spider that was spinning a web and kept showing up above the shower head in mid air, and then disappearing. I believe I grabbed my towel, and burst out of my bathroom shrieking, "Land of the disappearing spiders!"I think my roommate, Ashlie, thought I had lost it. We had a good laugh about that one. Anywho - back to my daily routine.

When shower is over, grab towel and proceed to shake vigorously - just in case a spider is hiding on your towel somewhere. The LAST thing I want to do is dry my self off with vicious spiders and/or their guts! (Yes, I also had a bad experience with this - which is why I now always shake my towel before use).

Throughout the day, notice little black dots on walls, cars, desks, carpet, etc. and double check to make sure it's not a spider. Often times it's actually a fly, but no matter. Still make sure it's not a spider.

Before bed, lift sheets and check for spiders. Also check under all pillows and on all walls and in ceiling corners. Ain't no sleepin goin down in my room til I'm more certain that spiders aren't lurking around and waiting to attack!

Throughout the night, wake up every time you have an itch and make sure it isn't a spider. This is important because my first night sleeping in my current apartment, I didn't have a boxspring for my mattress yet, so naturally my mattress was on the floor. Early the next morning, I woke up groggily as I gently swiped an itch on my cheek. When my itch proceeded to crawl back up to my cheek less than a second later, I woke quite alarmed as I had just slapped myself in the face to kill the itch (aka spider that was trying to give me a good morning kiss). It was crawling towards my mouth people! MY MOUTH! Needless to say, I didn't have a good night's sleep for a week afterwords.

Wake up, repeat process.

Do you believe me now? This phobia has gotten out of control. The very thing I fear the most is beginning to take over my life. Anyway -  I would have liked to have illustrated this all out for you, but alas, I do not currently have the energy. But, never fear! For I have found someone who can do it better than me:

Funny bit on the monstrosity of spiders

Teaser

This past weekend was pretty much an epic blog post waiting to happen. It's been writing itself in my head for days now. But I don't have time to elaborate (and am not sure when that time will come), so until then, here's a teaser of all the things I have to tell you about:

Four 1-hour flights that lasted 10 hours.

Umpteen terrifying spider encounters.

One airport emotional breakdown.

One totally awesome experience.

Two sweet firework shows.

Many excellent family members.

One painting-limbo champion (yours truly).

An army of angels.

One extreme dust storm.

What it feels like to be ridiculously and painfully full after every meal.

Why you should never subject yourself to a three-day high off of paint fumes and cleaning products.


Ok, now don't let me forget!