Potty Humor

I've been writing this post in my head for a long time now, but I didn't want to post it until after I posted about my brother going on a mission. Then, when I finally posted about my brother, I for the life of me couldn't remember what it was that I had wanted to blog about so badly.

Well, I just remembered because it happened again.

Today, I would like to talk a little bit about public restroom etiquette. Now, I realize that some of you may not be comfortable reading about anything that has to do with toilets or potties. If that's the case, then you are dismissed. But I promise, this is going to be good.

There's this iphone app called something like "urinal IQ test" - basically it places you in a variety of different public restroom situations, shows you a certain number of urinals on a wall, and asks, if a man is already at urinal "x", which one do you choose? If you choose the urinal right next to the man, you lose, etc. etc.

And over the years, I've heard a number of conversations concerning "Men's Room" rules. For example, the "courtesy flush" and having conversations while at the urinals. But, you rarely if ever hear about "Lady's Room" rules or etiquette. And I'm beginning to believe that that's because there really aren't any. And there should be.

Story. In the restroom at my work, there are eight stalls. Eight. Four and four, facing each other. There are only a handful of women that work at my company. I'd say maybe 15. 15 out of 150 people in this office. And eight stalls, all to ourselves. That should make for pretty slow bathroom traffic, right? Like, I should be able to use the restroom and never have to wait in a line or really encounter more than maybe one other person while I'm in there. I SHOULD be able to pee in peace.

But no, that doesn't happen. Why? Because of our lack of lady's room etiquette. For the last few weeks, EVERY time I've gone to the bathroom, I get there when it's empty. Then, while I'm in my stall of choice, without fail, someone else always enters the restroom. And this is where it gets strange. Picture it. They walk into the restroom, see that there are eight stalls. One of the eight stalls is occupied. If this were me making this assessment, I would automatically gravitate toward a stall on the OPPOSITE side of wherever the occupied stall was. Other people apparently do not have these same boundaries, however, because they always, I repeat ALWAYS, head straight to the stall RIGHT NEXT to mine. Why? There's a whole bathroom full of choices... why? Why must you choose to be right next to me? I don't understand it and I really don't like it. And that's why I'm thinking about making some rules and posting them on the bathroom door.

Number one? Same idea as the urinal IQ test. Only weirdos and lesbos (please forgive my use of that word. I have no problems being friends with lesbians. Just don't want to pee right next to them if I have a choice) choose the stall directly next to another occupied stall unless you have no other choice. If you're normal and courteous, you will choose one on the opposite side or at least two stalls over.

Number two would be wash your freaking hands.

Number three? I dunno, try to contain all awkward noises while you're on the pot? I shouldn't have to hear your grunts or heavy breathing. It's NOT courteous. And it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Especially since I know who you are. And we aren't close. We're just coworkers that should never have to experience each other going to the bathroom.

Now, when I say "I know who you are," I mean it this way. After working in the same place for a year, you've probably developed a fairly regular bathroom schedule. It's just how your body works. When on that schedule, you start to notice what other people's schedules are because you may pass them on your way out and their way in or vise versa. Also, you start to recognize the sounds of people's bathroom walks. For example, there is one individual at my work who is a little, well, strange. And is attached at the hip to her ipad. I know it's her for two reasons: the unmistakable, SLOW shuffle of her feet (heal drag included) and the sound of ipad word apps. Another example? One of our kind of high strung admins always bursts into the bathroom, is usually wearing heals, and walks fast and loud because she is in a hurry to get in and get out. I know it sounds strange, but I'm an observant person.

Moral of the story: I just want to pee in peace. Please don't pee next to me unless you don't have a choice. Thanks.

Anyways. If you could make the rules for lady's room etiquette, what parameters would you set?