Nostalgia

Whenever I think about my childhood I get this really weird feeling inside. It's like a mixture of anxiety, sadness, and maybe a little bit of shame/embarrassment. Sadly, most of my dominate childhood memories aren't happy - they remind me of pain, anxiety, confusion, worry, abandonment, financial difficulties, awkwardness, and anger (or angst, as I typically like to call it). Because of this, when I think about my childhood I feel like I didn't have much of one because in many ways, I was forced to grow up and think, feel, and act older than I was. Most of that was probably just my "survival" or "protective" instincts. I know that all sounds kind of depressing, and if you dwell on it, I guess it kind of is. But life usually isn't rainbows and butterflies (at least, not in my experience, and certainly not from what I've observed of others), so there's no use dwelling on the hauntings of the past and letting them get you down. That's why I usually just dismiss my memories and move on.

However, recently I've had a few "flashbacks", if you will, (and I think you will) that brought back some happy memories. And trust me, those are precious. Mind if I share them with you?... Good, cuz I'm going to anyway. This IS my blog, you know.

Interestingly enough, these memories have to do with cars. If I didn't have your attention before, I definitely should now. The first of these cars is a 1980's Nissan Stanza.

Isn't she a beauty? I happened to see one of these recently (how it's still running is beyond me) and I just started to laugh. When I was a little girl and my little sister (the 4th child) was born, my parents decided that it was time to "upgrade" to a car that could handle all six of us. And of course, they made the mistake of taking all the kids to the dealership with them. I remember seeing this car and how big it was compared to our other cars and saying, "Mom, we HAVE to get this car!" I insisted. I could climb all over this thing! And what's better, there were two fold down seats in the back that faced the back window, so whoever sat back there could totally make faces at the cars behind us. Brilliant. When my parents consented, I was so happy. After taking it home it was lovingly named "The Vanawagon" because it was clearly a cross between a minivan and a stationwagon. And you know what, that car gave us nothing but trouble. Not only did it constantly break down, but it once ran over my little brother and another time it tore my Dad's Achilles Tendon. This car was also the origin of a court battle and I just happened to be in the front seat of it when my Dad told me he was going to marry my Ex Step Woman. But we're getting a bit off topic here... we're sticking to HAPPY memories. But I mean, I just look at that car and have to giggle because it's so funny looking and I can't believe I was so adamant about my parents buying the stupid thing.

The second memory has to do with a 1990's Buick Park Avenue.

When I was a little girl, a sighting of this car (in a darker gray) always meant happy because it meant Grandma and Grandpa were here. Yep, this is what my grandparents, and by "grandparents" I mean "Grandpa" because Grandma always refused to drive unless it was an emergency) drove back in the day. I remember it always had the distinct smell of new car and cigarette smoke. I loved the smell of that car for some reason. And I loved being with my grandparents. They truly are the greatest in the world. And don't tell my grandmother that I told you this, but once I was sitting next to my grandma in the back seat and she got out of the car and right as I stuck my head out of the door so I could exit as well, she shut the door on my head! Of course it was an accident, but I swear she never felt so bad in her life... and that's why it's very important that you don't mention that I told you that to anyone... ever. She keeps a gun in her closet, you know. She is no force to be reckoned with, I'll tell you what.