Wow. It's September. I can't believe it. The older I get, the faster time flies... and I'm not even old! But there are certain things that have been making me feel old lately. For example, I am old enough to have a little brother who is leaving for a two year mission in 17 days. I am old enough to only have 3 unmarried girlfriends left, two of which have serious boyfriends. I am old enough to have sent out a missionary, welcomed him home, and get dumped by him two and a half months later. (Yeah, he's a complete idiot, I know.) I'm old enough to be a Senior in college. I'm old enough to be the oldest girl in my apartment by TWO years. I'm old enough to have three married friends with CHILDREN. I'm old enough to turn in my mission papers if it's right for me to. (I'll keep you posted on that one...)etc. etc. etc. And get this, I'm only 20 years old. Granted, I'll be 21 in a month (sound of disgust followed by a shudder), but still. Comparatively speaking, I am young. But something about being surrounded by all of the aforementioned things is making me feel an immense amount of pressure. I think this year is going to be a big year for me, even though I have absolutely NO idea what it has in store.
I thought I had it all pretty much planned out. I'm a blue personality (I just found this out. I'm actually a blue-red. Blue beat red by a mere 3 points), so planning is what I do. I like to have things figured out and I've usually got 4 or 5 check lists to go along with anything that I do. The red in me means that I want to be in control and make things happen. Unfortunately, when red-Raechel shows herself, the Lord likes to humble her. The Lord is constantly telling me to stop trying to control my own life and just trust in Him. It's extremely hard for me to do, but I think I get better and better at it as time goes on. It's easier since I have a testimony that when I trust in the Lord, all things will work together for my good. They always do. I just have to keep reminding myself to give up control.
So, here I am on the brink of my Senior year of college, and NOTHING is going the way I thought it would. I'm not studying architecture, I'm not at CalPoly SLO, I'm not in California, I don't have a boyfriend, most of my friends said "see ya!" and ran off to get hitched, and I have no idea what I will end up trying to do as a career. I have tons of things I want to and can do, but I haven't been able to choose yet. That's what happens when I try to control my own life; I end up being totally and completely wrong. Miraculously, despite all that hasn't played out, I know that I am where I need to be in my life right now. I'm just searching for new purpose and direction. This may take a while. I'll let you know when I find it.
3 comments:
Sorry to hear about all the unfulfilled plans. That's never fun. Thankfully, you're way too young to think it's all going to end horribly. You got time for at least three more huge mistakes before you're completely screwed. You don't have to use them, but they're there if you need them. Also, what happened to the music. I won't lie, I downloaded at least two songs based off of your blog.
Um hello didn't you already know very little goes "as planned!?" My original plans were how your life is right now missy, not married and almost graduated! So plan for the opposite or stop planning and you might just end up in Virginia with me! I know you like to be a go-getter but go-get some ice cream or something and re-read what insights you write because you are exactly right... Just do all you can do (& I know you are already doing that) and everything will work out perfectly, just not always according to your own timeline or your original ideas of perfect. YOU ARE a young, beautiful, opinionated, strong, talented, and accomplished Rae Lo so go tell yourself all that in the mirror RIGHT NOW!
actually you're only older by one year and 2 1/2 months, but it's all good. two sounds better ha ha. i really like your blog, and truely you're a wonderful poet. i sometimes wish i could be as open with my feelings on my blog as you are here. it's so honest and raw. i like it.
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