How I Really Feel, Right Now: At 12:40 am on September 30th, 2008
I know better than anyone else
What all my flaws are -
And I'm the first to admit
that sometimes I don't know
how to fix them - and by
"them", I mean myself.
I realize that I'm broken.
Not just my heart,
but my confidence -
and the life I thought I wanted.
They love me for a little while,
but in the end I'm never good enough.
The only man who's never left me
is my Grandpa. I love you Grandpa.
So much.
It's like, the puddle that you
know is there in the dark,
So you try to get around it
but you just end up
stepping in it anyways.
If there's a puddle
to be stepped in,
my foot will find it.
If there's a heart to be broken,
mine is usually first in line.
People must think
it doesn't phase me or something.
"Oh, it's just Raechel,
she wont care."
Oh, you are SO wrong.
I care, a lot. And I'm
sick and tired of being used
and bruised and unappreciated.
I can love deeper
than anyone I know,
but that never gets me anywhere,
except right here: sitting
on my bed with a massive headache,
tears streaking down my face -
trying pathetically to write
how I really, honestly feel,
and wondering how on earth
I'm ever going to put myself
back together.
3 comments:
I know nothing I could say would likely help you out right now, but I'm sorry you find yourself sitting there on your bed in that state.
I do miss seeing you every week. And for that reason, I wish we were better friends.
As from my own experiences with trying to fix one's self or flaws, it's never easy. And rarely something we can do ourselves. But, I'm sure you know that.
However, I also know that you're more spiritually minded than most people I know. It's evident in most things I see in you. And blessings come to people like that, even if it's after a period of "famine".
Anyways, I'm probably rambling a bit. But, you're a good soul Raechel. I'm sure the sun will break through the clouds before too long.
Alright Sister, here it is...you are at the point for what life is about, you are at the part that determines who you become and who you grow into, what your going through is so natural, and in a warped way its beautiful because once we get down to our raw emotions, raw nerves, and our raw minds, we really find how to put it all back together... The best part for you is that you are brilliant and that you have your faith so hold onto it, keep pouring your emotions out, throw them all on the table and analyze them, then use the gift you have to put the back together.
The part of life that you are going through right now is not easy, but its necessary and relish it like that, understand that its a stepping stone to your future happiness. You will never know how good it feels to be happy without always being reminded of how life can get the best of you sometimes. Hang in there, know that family loves you and you better call me anytime you need anything, plus if you need to hear something funny I'm sure I could help you out!
Hey Raechel,
My heart is breaking for you. I remember all too well being "not good enough" for someone I loved with all my heart. Someone who should have felt the same, but for stupid reasons chose not to. I was terrified of falling in love again, of letting someone else in. I thought I would be better off alone than being able to be hurt again.
Like your friends before me have said, hang in there. One nice thing is that YOU don't have to fix yourself. You have a wonderful relationship with your Savior. Let Him heal your heart. Let Him be your strength and support. In time, He will send you someone better for you than you could have ever imagined. I know its hollow consolation right now, but I promise it will happen. God won't take something great away from you just to give you something ok. He's a one upper. :) You're going to get something AMAZING. :)
I know we're not very close, but please know that I love you. And I'm sorry you're hurting. I know nothing I can say will make it better. I am just offering hope.
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