I'm pretty sure I've felt every possible emotion at least once this weekend. And, since I don't really know who I can talk to about everything... I guess I'll just tell my blog. You'll have to forgive me for being so personal.
Last week I found out that my dad was, once again, kicked out by the evil step-woman. They are getting a divorce - it's pretty final. I'm so sad for him. I mean I hate the woman and my dad has made some pretty horrible decisions since he met her, but he's my dad. He deserves to be happy. He's a good person. Being married to her has aged him at least 10 years. It's really hard for me to look at him because he just doesn't look the same. But anyways... I'm glad he's finally realized that she's crazy and I really hope this will mark the beginning of something better for him and my family.
My friend Skyler got back from his mission on Thursday and called me on Saturday. That was really cool. I'm very excited that my friends are starting to come home from their missions finally. Today I went to his homecoming party. It was so good to see him again, although I'll admit, a little awkward. A bunch of people from my home stake were there and we all started talking about all our friends our age who are either married or engaged... and pretty much me and my friend Alexis are the last girls. That really freaks me out. I'm not even 21 yet and here I am feeling rushed and defiant all at the same time. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone to slow down!
Speaking of engagements, my best friend from high school texted me that she got engaged last night. Yesterday I was sick with an exhausted body and a migraine and I was doing the dishes when I got her text. When I read it I was initially really happy for her, and then I realized that she told me through what was probably a mass text and I just leaned over the sink and cried like a baby. I mean full on, convulsive crying. I think my roommate thought I had lost it. I was just so hurt because I always figured I'd be one of the first people she called when it happened - and instead I got a text message. I hate the fact that we aren't close anymore for stupid reasons. And the knowledge that she has other friends that she holds dearer than me just kills me. I don't think she has any idea how much I love and care for her - and I haven't the slightest idea how to show her. We still talk every once in a while, but I guess I just always hoped that our friendship would strengthen when we stopped living together.
It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Living with her was like constantly being angry or walking on egg shells. Living in that environment made it so hard for me to be the person that I want to be. It feels like since I moved out I've lost all my friends - not just her. I had to completely start over... and that's REALLY hard to do when you're 20 years old and everyone you meet already has a close group of friends. But I've changed a lot for the better, and it's amazing living in a contention free environment - and I've met some amazing people - but like I said, they already have their friends. So I guess her engagement made me realize that I don't really have any close friends around me (they're all far way) and that just makes a person feel as lonely as anyone ever could.
On top of all that AND being sick, a few of my friends' parents are going through divorces right now and since I know what it feels like to have your family torn apart - pretty much nothing makes me sadder. And I just suck at trying to comfort people so I get so frustrated because I want to be there for them as someone who knows, but I don't know how.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's been a hard weekend for me. I've also got other things on my mind - like school and what I'm going to do this spring/summer. And one of my dear friends is leaving for her mission in a few days and then my best friend Kyle comes home in 10 days. Not to mention I have a missionary who comes home in June and thinking about how to handle that situation is stressful enough in itself.
But I'm fine. I feel better today health wise. But I miss my friends.
2 comments:
Raechel, I'm sorry you had such a weekend. That a LOT to happen/take in during such a short amount of time. I'm glad you wrote about it. I know we're maybe not the type of friends that would voluntarily unload feelings and frustrations like that on eachother, but I am glad I was able to read it. But we are friends, and I'm truly glad for that.
It's not always easy to "be there" for someone and I know what your frustrations are like in instances like that, and you may think you suck at trying to comfort people, but as one who you have been successful with comforting at times, don't sell yourself short. I think the person doing the comforting rarely feels successful.
I'm also really sorry to hear about what's happening with your Dad. It's hard to be the kid at times like that. But, as you said, hopefully it will be a start of better things for him.
Well, I just wanted you to know that I was touched by your blog and I hope things start looking up soon. And I know you know this, but, feeling alone and being alone are two different things - Heavenly Father and our Savior are always there, anxious to heal your heart when it's heavy.
And like the pizza box said, Rae-lo is my fave-yo. ;)
Raechel, I'm saddened to read about all the stuff that hit you at once. I'm especially sad to read that things are once again heartbreaking for your dad. None of us have been able to be supportive to him, to know what was happening in his life, and what we could do to keep the family lines open with him because he rarely kept in touch. And as always, my family seems to be in the dark! We love him, we love all of you, maybe this will help him allow us back into his life. You are a beautiful woman and I'm always happy to spend time with you.
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